Kowabunga

There is nothing more enjoyable than an away mission to a campaign rally, and so it was for the Klingons For Kerry, as we headed out for his most recent Minnesota stop.

We were greeted by a team of guys in suits with funny ear pieces, and long black wands that they passed over our uniforms, identifying all the metal objects. They admired our many weapons, especially the Batleths, and asked if they could try them out as the Klingon weapon of choice looked like it would be a great tool for crowd control. They starred longing at our disruptors, and asked us to keep them set to stun. Of course we nodded that we would use the stun setting only if absolutely necessary and did not mention that a disruptor set for stun was like hitting someone with a heavy club. Come to think of it, THAT is the stun setting.

After passing thru the gates, hard fighting Klingon Warriors that we are, and recognizing that an army move on its stomach, we headed for the food court first, where we found an array of delicacies ranging from Belgian Waffles, French Toast, fries with ketchup, and bottled Evian water. No yuch, nor gagh, and definitely no blood wine. At least they weren't peddling root beer. We discovered that the fries came with an entire bottle of Heinz Ketchup, and that the waffles could be had with a variety of toppings, like whipped cream. At least we could pretend that those long stringy cooked potato slivers were gagh, even if they didn't wiggle when you picked them up from the pile.

Kerry supporters would stop us to get pictures taken, holding signs of support with sayings like "Trial Lawyers For Kerry" and "Give Litigation A Chance." Asked our position on Iraq, we responded that they should be blasted from orbit and let Kahless sort it out. This was received with great joy, and they all seemed to think we were on to something with that plan.

Others asked us where we stood on abortion, to which we said we never abort any mission, especially against the Rommies. This generated a confused look and then one explained what abortion was. This surprised us as we did not realize they believed in sacrificing their unborn children to the god, Abortion. The Kerry supporters shook their heads and explained further. Now we were confused. Why would any race willing kill their unborn children, their very future generations? This made absolutely no sense to us. What a self-centered bunch of people!

When asked what ship we served on, they frequently assumed we were a part of the "Winter Soldier" and were surprised to learn that the name of our battlecruiser was the IKV Ronald Reagan.

They asked us our position of only taxing those making more than $200,000 per year, explaining that is how they define who is rich. I said why would you want to ruin people's incentive to be productive by taxing them more than if they are less productive. They looked like a tribble caught in the headlights of my 4x4. I tried to explain that the more you tax people based on their incomes, the less incentive they have to be more productive. Why try and make more money if the government is only going to take away more of what you make. Then I asked, wouldn't you like to be making that much money? How about your kids? Finally, I could see the gears in their brains slowly begin to turn with the realization that maybe cross the board tax cuts are a good idea.

But surely you don't support privatizing Social Security, they asked. To which we responded, do you really want to trust the government to manage YOUR retirement savings? Can't you decide for yourself how to best manage that money? They came back with a well, sure we can, but there are many who couldn't and we'd only end up having to support them if they lost money. Excuse me, but, YOU ARE DOING THAT NOW! By letting workers choose whether or not privatize their Social Security, and manage the investment theirselves, you will greatly reduce the cost to taxpayers to keep those who lose their investments afloat, since most people will actually end up in better financial shape by investing their money in the stock market, rather than getting only what the government thinks you should have. This garnered some nods of agreement, albeit grudgingly so.

The next inquired about where we stand in regards to the invasion of Iraq. We said that the removal of this mass murderer was a good thing, and the world is better off now that his regime has been removed from power. But, they cried, there were no WMD's found. Except for a few artillery shells that fell into the hands of terrorists, the ones loaded with Mustard gas and Sarin nerve gas. But that was only a few, old relics of the regime, they claimed. We shot back that all of the weapons programs were posed to be restarted at an instant, that the personnel that ran them were still apart of their military complex, and all the data needed to rebuild was readily available to this dictator who has used these weapons on his own people. Not to mention the mass graves of hundreds of thousands of people. Besides, how long should it take to map out and inventory 130 ammo dumps, some of which are bigger than Manhattan?

They insisted that Iraq was under Major Kaos, so we asked who he was, and what unit he commanded. This generated a response from that Major Kaos served General Mayhem, to which we said that although we have never heard of him, either, it sounds as though he is doing a fine job, however should not tolerate the continued kidnapings perpetrated by terrorist groups inside of Iraq. They looked at us with a perplexed look.

Since our conversations seemed to be going no where, we decided to leave. When we reached the weapons check desk, they informed us that they were quite intrigued by our Batleths and wished to keep them for training purposes. As this bunch of Secret Service agents seemed to be a reasonable bunch of warriors, and dedicated to their work, we told them to consider the Batleths to be a gift from the Klingon Empire.

After this frustrating event, we learned that our beliefs were in line with W. So, maybe we should change our monicker to Klingons For Bush. Not quite the same ring, but at least we'll be with the right crowd. End of report.