Kowabunga

"Welcome to the Betelgeuse Rollers. I'm Michael Garibaldi, and co-anchoring this event is Ford Prefect, legendary research for the Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy. On the deck handling today's interviews is Jake Cisco. What an incredible array of top notch surfers we have here today. Got any favorites, Ford?"

"Well, the Kahuna is always the favorite. He's held the top position for quite a spell today, however, there are a number of up and comers who will be trying to unseat the Kahuna from his reigning position."

"Yes, from Flipper Kerry with his ship, the Winter Soldier, to Captain Gremmie and the Bat Guano."

"Not to mention Nog, who is running out there in the Defiant, Captain Sulu with the Excelsior, Han Solo and Chewbacca, and a whole host of others. This is going to be quite an event, Mike. And look at the turn out, fans from across the cosmos, even followers of the Great Prophet Zarquon."

"You've got that right, Ford. Let's check out the Duras Sisters as they prepare to send the wave making torpedo into Betelgeuse. This'll be a sight for sore eyes."

"They'll be launching the latest in their line of ultra super wave making torpedoes, the Duras Sisters Primo Supremo Wave Maker Torpedo. This baby is so hot, it can cause a super nova to nova. It's the equivalent of you or me getting hit on the head with a lemon wrapped around a large gold brick. Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters for stars. Zowee!"

"That's right off of the product brochure, and from what I hear tell, it's right on the money. Best waves since the Big Bang, or so the Duras Sisters claim."

"No kidding. And there's the launch! Look at that baby go, and all of today's surfers are maneuvering for position to grab a piece of the wave that the detonation of Betelgeuse will produce."

"Oh, man, Ford, look at the size of that wave. Have you EVER seen anything like that?"

"Wow, that's magnificent. Biggest wave I've ever seen. And look at that, it's Han Solo and Chewbacca first up on the wave."

"Yep, and it looks like the Millennium Falcon is having a devil of a time holding onto that piece of wave. Looks like they may have picked out a bad section, as they struggle to hold onto this wild surf. Their in the tube, with crushing wave forces all about the Falcon, and out they shoot like a bat out of Hades. Not a bad ride for this dynamic duo."

"Nog's up with the Defiant, holding steady as he carves up the face of the wave, but wait, what's that sputtering out of their engines?"

"Look's like ketchup, Ford."

"Ketchup?"

"Sure looks like, and down goes the Defiant as the wave crumbles about it, pounding it with stellar debris. Too bad. There was high hopes for Nog, but maybe he'll do better next time."

"Mike, Jake Cisco is with Han Solo down on the deck. Shall we see what's the word from the surf?"

"Absolutely. Take it away, Jake."

"Thanks, Mike. I'm here with surf scoundrel, Han Solo, just in from one wild ride. What was it like out there."

"Gnarly, Jake."

"How did you manage to hold on to your wave for such a good ride?"

"Well, as my old buddy, Luke Skywalker, would say, the Force was with us."

"Your score came out with a 9.67...are you happy with it?"

"Sure. It may not be a perfect 10, but I think that'll be a hard score to beat. Especially with this brutal wave."

"Thanks, Han. Back to you, Mike."

"Roger that, Jake. Back to the action as Sulu goes out with the Excelsior with one wild ride. Look at him take that wave, upside down. Ford, do you think that'll help his score?"

"Well, the judges tend to discount simple stunts like that, however, there he goes into a twister roll and flipping up on his warp drives. That'll help some."

"Yep, and here's his score, 9.65, just a hair behind Solo. Not bad for this over-powering wave."

"And here comes Gremmie in the Bat Guano. This cat has lost more ships than Piccard has, and not with the same style as Piccard."

"No doubt he'll be a contender for best wipeout. Ouch! And down he goes, pummeled by the solar mass of this crushing wave."

"Mike, up next is Flipper Kerry with the Winter Soldier. Looks like he may have picked a bad piece of wave. He's flying in there with gusto, but it looks like he's having some difficulties."

"That's for sure. Egads! Ford, I can't believe this. He's using the Piccard Maneuver! I haven't seen that used in ages!"

"And down he goes, the Winter Soldier getting pummeled by billions and billions of star stuff. But what an incredible wipeout!"

"Let's join Jake Cisco down on the deck...Jake?"

"Thanks, Mike. I'm here with the latest and greatest surfer to come out of the Federation, Flipper Kerry. Tell us, honestly, Flipper, what was it like out there."

"I'll tell you Jake, that was the gnarliest time I've ever had since Christmas on Bajor, when I had to deal with drunken Kardasians and Maquis, celebrating the Holiday, and firing phasers and photon torpedoes indiscriminately. When the waves began to crumble around me, it created a situation just as dangerous. However, thanks to my training with the Deep Space Patrol, I was able to persevere and not sustain too much damage to the Winter Soldier. If I'd been able to hold it a few seconds longer before the whole wave front collapsed on me, I have no doubt I'd be coming out of this as this year's Champion."

"I must admit, Flipper, that was one awe inspiring wipeout you suffered out there. It looked like you were executing the fabled Piccard Maneuver out there. How did you pull that off?"

"Well, I leveraged all my experiences I gained in commanding light patrol craft during the war, combined it with my vast knowledge of Galactic Surfing, and just did the best I could."

"I am sure that if Piccard were judging this year, he would have been beaming with pride. That's a wrap on the deck for now, back to Michael Garibaldi and Ford Prefect on the observation platform."

"Thanks, Jake. Well, Ford, looks like the next surfer up on the waves is none other than that legendary frood, Zaphod Beeblebrox."

"Zaphod Beeblebrox?!"

"Yes, that's right, and it looks like he is surfing one of the blackest ships I've ever seen."

"Zaphod Beeblebrox."

"Yes, you said that already. Man, that is one black ship. Looks like something once owned by Hotblack Desiato of the Disaster Area. I wonder if it can move as well as it looks.

"Zaphod Beeblebrox. Hmm. What was that, Mike?"

"I said Zaphod has this real black ship, so black you can't even see it against the fabric of space. An amazingly amazing looking ship."

"Oh, yes, Zaphod, must have stolen another of Hotblack's stunt ships. The ones he uses to crash into stars. Actually, it seems somewhat suitable as he is riding the waves created by the detonation of a star. Wow! That ship sure is black. Look at him carve up the waves, it's almost like he isn't even there. I haven't seen Zaphod since the last time he stole one of Hotblack's ships. In fact, Hotblack was spending a year dead for tax reasons."

"Hotblack better be ready to spend several years dead for tax reasons if Flipper gets elected President of the Federation. Come to think of it, we may all want to spend a few years dead."

"No kidding. Zowee, look at Zaphod go! Shoot the tube, carve back up to the wave's crest, nose down thru the wave and pop back out thru the curl! Incredible! That's just so improbable that he could pull a zinger like that!"

"That's some performance he's giving out there. Hey, Ford, do you know if this ship is equipped with the Improbability Drive?"

"No way, Mike. Where would he get another one of those things. That would be highly improbable"

"Well, how do you explain these scores from the judges? 3,408,967 to 1, 6,548 to 1, 200 to 1, 75 to 1, 1 to 1."

"That's just to improbable to be happening, Mike, but when Zaphod is involved, I guess even the most improbable of things can happen."

"And how improbable do you think it is that Zaphod may walk away with this trophy"

"I don't know, Mike, but it certainly is looking very good for Zaphod. Let's go back to the deck where Jake Cisco has tapped into the mind of Zaphod's analyst, Gag Halfrunt."

"Thanks, Ford. How about that Beeblebroz? That was an outstanding ride on the waves out here on Betelgeuse. Right now I am with his analyst, Gag Halfrunt. so how about the big Z? Do you think he'll get this year's trophy?"

"Vell, Zaphod's just zis guy, you know?"

"Ahm, yes, but will he win it."

"Ach, vell, that iz highly improbable, however, he may just pull eet off. As for the other patient I have in zis competition, vell now, I could tell you some interesting storiez..."

"Other patient?"

"Ach, yes, but I cannot tell you hiz name, but hiz psychosis iz quite unique. He seez Earth people, galactic leaderz of all kindz. Vhy the last time he vas on my couch, he spent the whole hour discussing Intergalactic policy with the Founders, claiming that he vas told that they have got to get a new Foreign Policy in place, that the current Federation Administration iz just killing them. And then on another occasion, he discussed the outlook of the Klingon Empire with Kahless, who haz been dead for, vhat, thousands of years? Not to mention Surak of Vulcan while eating at that Scottish place, the von mit the arches."

"Really? Incredible. He must be a psychic channel or something."

"Vell, I vould lean towardz the 'zomething' end uf the spectrum."

"We'll just have to speculate as to the identity of this mystery surfer who sees foreign leaders wherever he goes. Ford, what do you think?"

"Zaphod Beeblebrox? Oh, wait, you mean this other frood. Should be interesting to speculate who that is. What's your take, Mike."

"Well, my money is on Flipper Kerry. He's said some awfully strange things on the surfing circuit, including how he keeps running into Galactic leaders in odd places, and refuses to disclose who they are or what was said."

"Good point. Certainly not something Zaphod would do."

"Let's get back to the action as the Kahuna and the IKV Kowabunga grabs a huge wave, riding it hard and fast."

"Wow, Mike, look at the Kahuna go. Go. Go. Go."

"Yep, he's really carving that wave up, and there he goes with his trade mark, ten red shirted Feddies hanging from his warp engine pods."

"Now that's how to hang ten! This frood must really know where his towel is at!"

"You said it. He's cruising along wonderfully, managing to hold his own as he slides down the face and rides in the tube, the wave crashing all around the Kowabunga. This is a top notch ride, but will it be enough to beat the big Z?"

"Not a chance, Mike. Remember, Zaphod may have an improbability drive, which means the more improbable the situation, like Zaphod actually winning, the more likely it is he'll win."

"Point noted, Ford. And here come the scores. Wow, not quite perfect 10' but very close. How will that compare with Zaphod's 3,408,967 to 1?"

"That depends on how the judges determine final scores, especially after accounting for those nutty numbers Zaphod got."

"Here comes the final rankings. Yep, Ford, looks like you called it, with Zaphod coming in first to take the trophy form reigning champion Kahuna, and the Kahuna settling for second place. Flipper gets the honors for best wipeout this year. I see Jake Cisco has got hold of the Kahuna. What;s the word from the deck, Jake?"

"I'm here with surf legend Kahuna of the IKV Kowabunga. Tell me Kahuna, are you disappointed with being topped by Zaphod Beeblebrox? Can you tell us what happened out there."

"Well, dude, there was some gnarly action out there on the surf, and then it turns out that one of my crew used ketchup instead of Mr. Zog's to wax down th eship before hitting the waves. Go figure. Even with that, though, it's hard to knock out a ship running an Improbability Drive."

"Back to you, Mike."

"Well, that's a wrap for the Betelgeuse Rollers. Stay tuned for the post competition commentary with Can Dather and the 60 Stardates Crew."

Posted by Sqotty at 8:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
View blog reactions

"It was, like just so awesome, dude. We were just hangin' out near Qo'nos when we received word that Praxis was going totally ballistic, we just had to fire up all engines to be in a good position to ride what ever came out of there," Captain Kahuna, of the IKV Kowabunga was quoted as saying after his magnificent ride when the moon Praxis detonated sending out shockwaves capable of rending lesser starships down to their base atomic structure.

When asked how he knew what to expect, Kahuna responded in his typical laid back surfer style, "Didn't, dude. Our analysis said we could expect to ride it for maybe one or two parsecs, but we must have covered a good 20 parsecs before that wave ran out of steam. It was totally gnarly! Even the Feddies got into the action, after the wave had lost half of its power. Check out Sulu and the Excelsior. He was the first of the Feddies on the scene, and actually did better than that Feddie Sheep wanna be surfer of the U.S.S. Bogus, Captain Gremmie. But I gotta admit, when Gremmie wipes out, he really wipes out." It had been reported that the Kowabunga had ten feddies hanging from its warp engine pods, the Klingon way of "hanging ten."

The Bogus, as Kahuna was alluding to, was so badly crippled that it had to be towed to the nearest starbase by the garbage scowl Kirk's Dream, then cannibalized for parts. The now Commander Gremmie was reassigned to the sanitation division of StarFleet. "Well, I look forward to my new command, the scowl Bat Guano. I have been told it has a first rate crew."

StarFleet did acknowledge plans to build a Bogus II, but would not disclose any further details. Rumors abound that it would be commanded by Ace Rimmer, but that could not be confirmed. Rimmer declined to comment. "Sorry fellas, can't tell you what's in the cards for Ace Rimmer. Gotta run now, chaps. The universe needs saving. Smoke me a kipper. I'll be back in the morning." What a guy!

Surf fans who witnessed the event, described the Kowabunga's ride as a religious experience. "They were like, you know, one with the universe, dude," said Centurion Toronto, an officer in the Romulan Empire and avid surfer. "They just did about everything imaginable out there. Right on, Dudes!"

Posted by Sqotty at 8:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
View blog reactions

The Infamous Admiral Kirk, as part of a plan to terraform whole worlds, unwittingly fell into the conspiracy of the Klingon Surfer Dudes to develop an "on demand" wave machine. They exceeded Captain Kahuna's wildest dreams with the development of the Genesis Torpedo, a device capable of generating waves so big and powerful, it redefined what "yu'eghmey lIghlu'meH QaQ jajvam" meant to the many surfers within the Empire. Sure, the end result was taking a nebula and turning it into a highly unstable planet, but we got two really big waves for the price of one torpedo.

The first one was one wild ride, a result of the torpedo detonating onboard the U.S.S. Reliant, with Kahn still onboard, attempting to take out his sworn enemy with his dying breath. Little did he know that in so doing he began one of the greatest surf conditions in 50 years. The second, although not as big, was still a spectacular ride to have experienced.

Fortunately, the IKV Kowabunga was on hand to catch this truely stupendous wave, and rode it for lightyears before the wave finally dissipated into nothing. Kahuna, seeing this as a great opportunity, seized the targ by the horn and rode the Genesis Wave like the expert he truely is. Even Captain Gremmie of the U.S.S. Bogus, who wiped out in the first three seconds of his ride, had to admit that the crew of the Kowabunga, with Kahuna at the helm, showed great expertise as they rode this ultimate of waves and shot the tube, with the thundering crash of the stellar system sized curl all about them.

"That was one gnarly wave. There must have 30 other ships out there trying to ride that baby. I was lucky to hold on to that wave as long as I did! Couldn't believe how long the Kowabunga held that curl, then shooting into the tube like some crazed out dude, dude, you should of seen it," Gremmie said in an interview after the Kowabunga completed its ride. "Next time, locals only, dude!"

In an exclusive interview, Kahuna reported that this was the biggest wave he had seen to date, and looked forward to even bigger waves once they finished analyzing all of the data they obtained on the genesis torpedo. "It was awesome, dude," he went on to say. "We could have stayed out there all day, riding on top of that wave. I felt like I was, like, you know, on top of the universe or something. Eventually I had to get into the tube and experience the pounding of the wave crashing in on itself. Dude, you've never experienced anything as truely as gratifying as riding the gnarliest wave created. And those posers, Han Solo and Chewbacca, said the Deathstar ripple was the ultimate! In whose universe is all I've got to say to that, dude! And all those gremmies trying to ride Genesis. Go back to surfin' wave tanks, dudes!"

Posted by Sqotty at 8:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
View blog reactions